The Character

It was nothing out of the ordinary. I lay relaxed on top of my recently made bed reading my new book that my sister had bought me. My room was dimly lit and my music was playing softly. Nothing out of the ordinary.  But the words on the page in front of me were fading, becoming empty. I wasn’t reading anymore. I was staring at the book. Then I was staring at the wall.
I knew this was coming. I wanted my boyfriend to come back. I needed him to hold me again and keep it away.
My fingers slowly undid the buttons on his flannel. I wish it still smelled like him. Where is he?
It’s half past midnight and the last plastic button felt nonexistent on my trembling fingertips. Why am I trembling, though? I felt so calm.
I looked down at myself. There was nothing else underneath the flannel except for a black bra. My thumb traced my collar bone and then slid down my body. It was so cold, but my skin was so soft…
I stopped at my stomach and gently placed both my hands on either side of my belly button. Why were my hands so cold?
My body was so little. I was just so skinny. I always was and I loved it. I thought my body was beautiful. My sister, my prettier sister, thought my body was something to be envied. The doctors and my friends thought my body was a health hazard. My parents thought my body was the product of carelessness and the foreshadowing of hospitalization.
My hands pressed harder on my stomach.
Weight. Gain more weight! You look sick! I can see your bones!
I sat up, remembering the number on the scale. The doctors were thrilled. I almost cried. My parents called bullshit. I gained a lot of weight.
The inky black character in my mind smiled a wide, sharp toothed smile. He has missed my misery so much these past few months.
I clenched my teeth and looked back at my hands on my stomach. My fingertips curled inward and the character laughed an awful, evil laugh. Black claws shot from my nail beds and came out the scars on my back that I got when I was thirteen.
Ebony substances oozed from wounds where the claws were stuck. It looked like oil and vines and flowers, all coating my body and wrapping around me. My eyes burned and began to stream tears, my teeth clenched. The character spun around my brain and dove down to my throat, where he pressed hard, choking me.
I collapsed back onto my pillows, where everything disappeared. My hands scrambled to squeeze my necklace, something that always seemed to bring me back to earth, but it wasn’t there, so I instead dug my nails hard into my chest.
This was nothing about my body. It still looks just fine. My boyfriend loves it. I love it. This was about that ugly character in my head. I thought he left months ago, and yet here he is. And I have an awful feeling he’s not going anywhere for quite a while.
I picked up my book and continued reading.